I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
