I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
