just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
