if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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