My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
