I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
