sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
