I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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