I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
