and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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