I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
