I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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