its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
