Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
