i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
