I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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