its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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