if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I need a burrito and a hug.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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