my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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