I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
