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I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
