sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
