She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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