i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
