if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
