I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
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When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
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We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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