chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
