i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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