i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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