are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just gargled with NyQuil
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
