Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
