Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
