so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
