Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
