Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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