You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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