Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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