My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
PS: I just woke up from my shower
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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