those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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