He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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