The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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