my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
