period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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