Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
