If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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