i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
How naked do you want me to be?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
