Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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