Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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