Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
