She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
