drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
