and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
