At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
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He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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