I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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